Sometimes scathing

I need to edit...things. In fact, editing is the bane of most peoples' existences, and it is certainly lacking in mine. I know writers who pore over their work for grammatical errors, re-wording of lengthy sentences, finishing touches, before ever presenting their work to an outside eye. It's a smart thing to do, but I never really ever claimed to be intelligent in any way. I have lots of whims. Many, many whims.

I originally wrote this post in a contemplative and annoyed rage, and felt pretty good about posting it until I received lots of mixed feedback that gave me pause. I realized that even though I often discount the things I think and say in the momentary setting of my mind, when written down, these things take a perhaps longer lasting form that needs some modification. I don't want to be misinterpreted, but I don't want the strength of my message to be lost. And so, here I am, back again for round two.

I had been visiting my childhood hometown for the past couple of days, and the picture was a bit gloomy. It had been raining pretty constantly everyday, and there was neither internet access at the house, nor any form of entertainment other than the dog. I was going a little crazy, which I think was completely reasonable, considering that I hadn't interacted with anyone but family for the past week, and we were always talking about our careers and the future. Even when we weren't talking about such topics out loud, the issue loomed in the ether, at least in my head. Now, times are generally good with family, but in enclosed situations such as these, I have very little relief from the running commentary of certain family members and absolutely no breath of my double-life. I hope you can understand that in a tight situation like this, one comes to certain conclusions and has some odd epiphanies about oneself and one's environment. At the very least, there's certainly a lot of internal monologue ranting and hyperventilating. Point being, I realized some unpleasant things about value systems across the family board, and I still can't differentiate if they are true or merely a result of confined space.

Here are some of my basic beliefs about my career choices. The whole reason I'd pursue a career in healthcare is simply because I want to, because I have a passion for it and could be good at it, because I need to find a career I love overall and contribute my passion to the world. I believe this for several reasons. A career is your life, you shouldn't think of it as just a job. As a human being living in this society, you should always think of leaving this world a slightly better place than when you arrived in it, and you can only really do that if you excel in something you love, which in turn will inevitably yield profit to the world. I know it's a bit idealistic, but you should find purpose and contentment in the career you choose, and from that will come your legacy. There's really no point in being miserable with your time here on earth, having your spirit and mental well-being sucked out of you because you hate your job, and trying to supplement true internal happiness with loads of cash. Why would you ever want to look back on your life and think, "Well, I may have been miserable for 40 years, but now I'm rich and can spend the last 20 years of my life doing whatever I want?" I don't know, maybe that works for some people, and that's all right. For myself, that doesn't cut it. I believe that you should enjoy giving to your career as much as it gives back to you, and that all relationships on this world mirror physical laws. Give and take, balance, complete the cycle, win-win. It's the only type of relationship that is truly sustainable.

I hope that makes sense. I'd much rather be middle class and doing something I love, than filthy rich and bored with my contributions to the world. Of course, maybe you can be filthy rich young enough so that you have time to turn your attention to the things you care about, but that's a rare case. And so, in general, I adamantly believe that you should never, never, choose a career with money as the primary motivator, particularly in the case of medicine. I thought everyone in my family agreed with me on this. I thought. Perhaps I was misled. Or perhaps I've changed, or been blind and confused until now.

Over the course of my time at home, I felt as though there was such a focus on money by my siblings, that it had become too extreme. It bothered me that even the possibility existed that the value system I believed and followed belonged to no one but myself (I had been under the impression that it stemmed from my family). In fact, I was so disturbed by the intense focus on money by my siblings, that I sat down with my father to talk about value systems. He told me that my value system shouldn't be the same his, simply because we are parts of different generations and the demands on our lives are different depending on the times. I came away comforted by this lovely advice on its own, but since we never actually touched on the subject of money during this conversation, I can't say it really it addressed the original issue.

I think I was driven to write in a rage because one of my siblings indirectly called me retarded (for the PC, I meant stupid). The hypothetical situation that was proposed that morning was, if you spent around $300,000 on education, and then only made a $50,000 salary once you entered the job market, would you still become a doctor? My response was yes. In return, I was called stupid.

Uncalled for. Now, let's get this straight right now. I'm not completely unreasonable. Of course money is still a factor. If you want to spend loads of money to complete your education, loan yourself out, then of course you expect return. You don't want to be a slave to the government and collectors all your life, which interferes with the laws of give and take, which in turn brings me back to the original point. But in the case of this hypothetical situation and argumentative exercise you propose? Let's play along and say that this weird ass world you just proposed to me actually existed (and to a certain extent it does, some doctors come out of residency and can't find jobs, but we're talking about mainstream cases here). My response is the same. Yes, I'd still want to become a surgeon.

Hell yes I would. I assume that in this hypothetical ridiculous world, there's no other equivalent healthcare career that exists, nor is there any other path to follow to become a surgeon. But if I wanted to be a surgeon and this debt-consuming way was the only way to get to this career in this ridiculous hypothetical world, then yes, count me in. I'd bite the bullet and be poor and live frugally until I'd saved enough. I'd probably have to make a lot more sacrifices and cut a lot of corners, and I'd probably be out there looking for grants or quicker ways to go through the system. I'd probably never have a family (meaning have children, which is fine by me, but that's a whole other tangent), and I'd probably work myself into the ground and not really ever own anything of my own until I was 50. In this hypothetical world that clearly doesn't follow my basic beliefs of give and take, making this whole exercise a ridiculous moot point, I'd still want to be a surgeon, and I'd be okay with being lower middle-class and loving my job. My question is, would you be okay with that? If money was your primary motivator, I'm guessing not.

Let's come back to reality. In this hypothetical world, being a surgeon would be a terrible financial career path to follow, and I'd probably have become an illegal surgeon somewhere remote doing something. If I'm going to be poor, I might as well gather some skills and live somewhere I'm absolutely needed. But at least  in this hypothetical world, if it follows any rules of logic, the medical sphere wouldn't be super saturated with assholes the way it is now. In fact, I think that the current medical world in the US is ruled by multiple assholes, ones with god complexes and money issues.

Medicine should not be money-driven, it should be a field filled with compassion and humility, not people with superiority complexes, with people with class prejudices and race issues.  People who play the game with money-driven intentions are more concerned with the way society works than the way people work, IMO. I know it's silly and I'm obviously exaggerating my point, but this is one of the minor reasons I'm tired with it and want to find another route. If I'm going to have to deal with this soul-sucking system all the time, I'd rather be in a field where I can be my own boss, and where the people are more tolerable. I suppose that's why I'm so upset with my family members who seem to be in it for the money. I know so many assholes that made it into the medical world, with money being their primary motivator, that it saddens me to see my siblings walking the same pathway. I know they are solid people, and I don't want to see their values compromised.

But who am I to manage their values? All of this is too complex, and I'm probably not conveying all my "exceptions to the point" analyses in this post. I know my siblings have other reasons besides money they want to pursue their respective careers, and who am I to judge. I bet you many of their points are more valid and realistic than mine. After all, we are all complex emotional creatures, and I have my own prejudices and issues to temper and fix, motivations besides simple want, and I certainly have a lot to learn. I just wish I wasn't so stubborn, but it's a switch that's nearly impossible to turn off. Final point being, I shouldn't form judgement on other people's value systems when mine own isn't even in place. I just thought it was rude of you to imply I was idiotic. But to face it, realistically, if you're under the burden of $400,000 debt, of course you'd want to get out from under it. In an ideal world, I'd love to make that much. I certainly could start a restaurant much earlier in my life if I was making that kind of money right off the bat (rather than in retirement as I currently plan). I could certainly travel more, and not have to worry so much about having enough for that possible rainy day. Money does certainly make life easier, and I certainly am not brave enough to be a starving artist and experience life as a gypsy. Contrary to what my father says I am.

Well, there were the confused thoughts of the day. I certainly don't mean to denigrate or harm anyone. Life is so difficult to figure out anyways. I just don't think money as a primary motivator is right in the healthcare world. Fuck money, yo.

Candied Kumquats

2 lbs fresh kumquats, washed

4 anise seed pods

water to boil

granulated sugar for rolling

for syrup

3 cups water

2 cups granulated sugar

pinch of sea salt
pinch of cream of tartar

Here is a recipe for another one of those tiny jarred homemade gifts. Kumquats are usually best fresh, but these were a little too tart and I thought they'd present well as a gift. It's a 3 day long process, not particularly difficult, but make sure you plan ahead and have some time.

Day 1. Poke at least 10 holes in each kumquat. You are going to boil them 2-3 times first, and you want to avoid having the kumquats explode, which will yield a final product more akin to marmalade or a kumquat jam. I wanted to do these in the traditional style, keeping them whole and then rolling them in sugar. The trick to preventing bursting is to poke holes in them and boil them slowly, starting them cold on low heat until they are at a simmer, and then a boil. If the kumquats heat up too quickly, the internal steam will cause them to pop. So, poke at least 10 holes in each kumquat.

Cover the kumquats with cold water in a pot, add the anise seed pods (or vanilla bean) and place on low heat. Let the water come to a simmer or soft boil, let boil for a few minutes. Then turn off heat. Let the water cool completely, at least 30 minutes. Once water is cool, pour off, replace with fresh cold water, and repeat the process. Let cool and then drain off the water. Remove the anise pods.

Cover the kumquats with the 3 C water, 2 C sugar, and pinch of salt and cream of tartar in a wide pan. Stir until everything is dissolved. Turn on low heat, and starting from cold, let the mixture come to a simmer. Let simmer on low heat for 30 to 45 minutes, stirring occasionally. Do not stir too hard; the kumquats at this point are soft and easily breakable. Once 30-45 minutes has passed, turn off the heat and cover. Let kumquats sit in sugar syrup overnight.

Day 2. Use the same method 2-3 times with the syrup kumquat mixture. Start the  mixture cold, bring it all to a low boil on low heat, then turn off the stove and cover, letting the mixture rest until cool. Repeat until kumquats are translucent and amber in color.

At this point, I decided to make both wet and dry candied kumquats. in terms of the wet kumquats (to use as a topping on oatmeal, ice cream, etc.) I drained the syrup from the kumquats into a different pot, and simmered the syrup until the volume had reduced by half. I then took about 1 lb of the candied kumquats and put them in a clean, sterilized jar, then poured the syrup over them. Let all this cool and then cover and store in the refrigerator.

For the remaining 1 lb of candied kumquats, after drained, I placed them on a rack and let them dry out overnight, at least 12 hours (the longer, the better).

Day 3. Take your dried candied kumquats and cover with sugar, rolling them. Then set them out to dry again. Serve immediately.

If you are taking a couple of days to give them away and they weren't completely dry when you sugared them, there is a chance they will get wet again. If the sugar gets wet, re-roll the kumquats in sugar and set out to dry again. Once they seem as though they are no longer seeping too much liquid, place in jars and store, packed in sugar in the refrigerator. Re-sugar as necessary (they will become diabetic inducing though).