Pressurized processing

Hey guys, it's been awhile since I've been on here, mostly because I've been out of town juggling the whims of my family. I wish I had something more cheery to tell you after all this time, but alas, this is going to be a whiny post, simply because it is the first post following a family visit. Now, while I've never been a fan of family trips, mostly due to the immense amount of stress and pressure, they put on my mind, I have to give them credit for forcing me to take a step back and evaluate my current personality.

On this particular visit, words and phrases including, but not limited to, arrogance, not valuing money enough and attitude were used to describe my personality, along with the classic implied things like stubborn and lazy. While having some of these words directed towards me during family visits is not an unusual occurrence, arrogance and not valuing money were two negative traits that seem to have been randomly added to the bag. Not surprisingly, I disagree with many of these characterizations, rather strongly. While I don't mind stubborn floating around in the list because it is true, I take special issue with arrogance and devaluing money. In fact, I would say that out of all of my weaknesses and negative traits, and there are many, that characteristics like arrogance and being loose with money are the few things not in the repertoire at all. Both of those traits are traits that I actively try to avoid, so it both offends and saddens me that my family thinks I am arrogant, and that I don't value money. 

Am I arrogant though? Doesn't arrogance imply that I think I am better than others? I certainly don't think I am, filled with enough esteem issues already, but does thinking I'm not arrogant imply that I am arrogant? Perhaps another conversation for another day. What I'd like to spend more time working out today is the money argument. Money is always such a touchy issue with my family.

Do I not value money enough? Perhaps there is a grain of truth in the accusation - I am neither a penny pincher nor a coupon clipper, and in general, I find penny-pinching people and coupon hoarders to be rather irritating. While use of coupons to buy groceries and goods here and there can be useful, I personally don't have the time or patience to collect enough coupons to make the sum total of my purchases less than $0, and I find people that calculate split bills down to the penny to be annoying. I know that these are the types of people that will probably have more money than me in the long run, but I just find penny-pinching to be in bad taste. I acknowledge that I probably spend too much money on food and that I could save more, but I don't feel that I live outside of my means or spend unnecessarily. I love shopping at thrift stores because you can get quality items for good deals, and rarely do I even go shopping for new clothes or shoes. Anyways, do all these actions mean I don't value money enough? Consequently, is devaluing traits like penny-pinching the same thing as devaluing money? 

How is it possible that I, someone who has been unemployed for nearly six-months and looks for random jobs to make a little extra bit of cash, doesn't value money enough? How is is possible that I, someone who thinks about money all the time and avoids purchasing items, even important test prep books for fear of cost, doesn't value money? How is it possible, am I not managing well enough? It cuts to the heart that I was accused of this, because I have always valued money, and now it feels I continually wonder about how I spend my money and I've become intently focused on how little I have. 

 

I think the crux of the argument falls kind of in the realm of, I don't value money the same way that my parents value money. I think they want us all to be wealthy, and I don't mind being middle of the road. While a salary of half a million is their cutoff for what is "enough," mine is significantly lower. Also, I'm more willing to spend money on things I see as important but they might not see as such, that's for sure, and I've a certain pride in being able to manage my own money, despite my occasional misspends. My father shouted at me during an argument something along the lines of (he said it in Mandarin), that just because I make the money doesn't mean I get to spend it however I wish. At the time, I didn't respond, so as to not toss more fluid on the fire, but I fundamentally disagree. If I make the money, then I should be able to manage the money whichever way I please, especially since I don't have children or a spouse or other people legally tied to my responsibilities.  If I was mismanaging my money and asking for loans all the time, perhaps it would be more appropriate for him to insult me in this way, but I haven't asked for money in several years nor do I feel I have burdened them. However, perhaps my lack of dependence is what bothers him and causes him to lash out in this way. Is this a passive aggressive move against me because I haven't asked for money, because my independence bothers them? I wish...oh I wish so many things.

It's so tiring to have to always have to reason through some other person's insecurities and ways of thinking to try to lessen the damage that has been spewed, either directly or indirectly, onto you. Perhaps I'm just being too sensitive. My parents always say I've already preset them as the "bad guys" so I'll always see what they offer in advice as bad . But I don't think that's true either, I think the things they say are insulting, straight-up meant to wound, counter-productive, and unfortunately allowed because of the nature of the parent-child relationship. Working through all this tradition is exhausting. It's tiring, and I'm tired of it.

Back to the current state of things though, let me end on a simple wish. I wish I could just be happy after my exam. As classified by my academic adviser, I received a strong score, but after all the discussions with my parents, it has been minimized to essentially the worst score in the world. I exaggerate, in the sense that my parents would say I'm "twisting their words" so I'll give it straight up. My parents say my score is "okay" and "could be better" and that "it won't get me into enough schools," it's still a long-shot. I have a "chance" if everything else on my application is stellar, but not really." And in a sense, they are right, and I can't help believing them. My scores are only "okay" scores and I wish I could have "done better." I wish I was in the 98th percentile and had my pick of schools, but oh, really more than anything, I wish I could've had just a little bit of happiness in the days following my exam, just a little bit of relief from the stress that seems to be continually mounting. Even now back in Baltimore, I can't shake the haunting words of my family, and I wish so dearly that I could just be happy with  myself again. Oh if wishes could amount to anything. 

Strawberry Jalapeno Jam

makes 2 quarts

2 C chopped strawberries

3 jalapeno peppers, de-ribbed and seeds reserved

1-2 oz. pectin

1/4 C lemon juice

3 C granulated sugar

Food process the strawberries (should end up with 2 C of chopped strawberries) and jalapeno peppers. Mix the strawberries and peppers with the pectin and lemon juice in a pot and bring it all to a rolling boil, boiling for at least 1 minute, if not more. This is to activate the pectin. If you like a runnier jam, use 1 oz of pectin. For a firmer jam, use 2 oz. pectin. Strawberries don't have that much natural pectin so make sure you add some.

Stir in the sugar, stirring until completely dissolved. If you'd like a sweeter jam, add 1/2 C more sugar. Boil at a rolling boil for a few more minutes, making sure it doesn't boil out of the pot, then turn off heat and skim off the foam.

Pour into two sterilized jars (to sterilize jars, boil jars in water for at least 5 minutes, before removing and placing on a clean towel, lid-size down). Seal jars and then process in boiling water for another 10 minutes (this will ensure longer shelf-life and get rid of mold bacteria), then remove jars and let cool. Make sure the water is at least 2 inches above the jars. You'll know you processed the jars correctly if the suction is tight and the lids don't "pop" when pressed on, after cooling. If you plan on eating the jam soon, you can just refrigerate it.

Once the jam is cooled and has firmed up, it is ready to serve! It falls on the mildly spicy side.