Burning of the bridge

I'm failing pretty miserably at letting my parents see me as an adult. I'm also failing at bridge burning avoidance. Burn, bridges, burn.

It's been about 2 weeks since I've become a prisoner of my parents' doings and home. With 2 or more weeks on the horizon, things look damn grim. Already, there has been pointless shouting, dramatic crying, stony silences filled with obvious disappointment, no privacy at all, and even insults to Pinky's intelligence (Say what? You say you're compatible with your boyfriend? He's so much older than you so he must obviously be an idiot). My sister even went as far as to tell me that if I continued with my current boyfriend, who, mind you, has a job and savings and a investment/retirement plan, I'd end up living in abject poverty as the "sole" breadwinner of the family, followed by the obviously necessary "you won't like that, trust me." Really? I wouldn't like poverty? Thanks for the heads up, since obviously, as a dentist or oral surgeon, I wouldn't have any idea how to handle my loans or income, gosh me. What if I start with only an 80K salary? That's much too little for two people to make a living...and *gasp* a female breadwinner?! Impossible, I'll obviously not know how to live frugally until my debt lessens and instead just be weighed down with credit card debt from buying all those BCBG shoes and filet mignon dinners in my Michael Kohrs clothes and  I won't be able to have any other happiness because duh, I hate working and I don't know how money works. And my older husband work? Nah, he'll be sitting around having some beers while the kids sit in their shit in the squalid ghetto of some anonymous city until I come home to take care of them, since as a "dead-end" man he won't bring anything to our relationship, and we won't have any friends or network or anything, so he'll never be able to find a job, because, you know, he's 20 years older than me and not a hard worker and not even middle class yet so...we'll definitely be miserable.

Is it not so funny that my family thinks I'm so incapable of fending for myself that my future me is definitely the overworked wizened wife with children hanging from her teats and an ailing husband clinging to her leg as she slaves away at her chosen job while watching over dinner on the stove, moaning, "Why did I ever marry this older man? WHY???"

My apologies - I know I'm lashing out kind of hard here, and maybe some of it is unjustified. I think it's just because the more I am around family these days, the more hateful I become.

Sarcasm aside, what's even more shocking is my realization that I'm totally letting my family destroy me, push me around, make me feel even more terrible about myself and my choices. My true self is slowly disintegrating into some mindless, spastically nervous robot that experiences sudden moments of intense outrage and long silences of angry depression, all directed towards my parents but inwardly hidden out of "respect." What does that even mean? Many a friend has advised me to buy my tickets back earlier, nay, immediately and yet I resist. Despite the obvious guilt (my parents need help with moving into their new home), I also keep thinking, though falsely, that the more I let them push me around, the less annoying they'll become.

What bothers me least about this whole ordeal is that it makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong (when logically, I know I'm not), I'm the one doing the evil deed (when I know I'm not), I'm 'the one who has regressed into angst-ridden teenage rebellion (which I haven't.). What bothers me most is that I've completely lost sight of the original plan. Keep your head down, don't argue, don't get angry and try to close down the conversation as quickly as possible. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Major fail, Kelly. How old am I and why am I letting them push me to think about entirely unnecessary things (e.g. marriage at this fragile point in my life)? Let's try to implement some self-control in the remaining 3 weeks.

Let's end on some good news. Although it seems their grip on me has tightened, my resolve to stay with my lovey is unwavering. Funny how the mind works, no? I'm reminded of this podcast. Listen to Radiolab, peoples, it's good for you.

Also, I found this really beautiful fungus (mold?) growing on the docks. Anyone have ideas on what it is? The photo seemed appropriate, rather than a recipe, a return to my roots through the marvel and glory of organisms that prosper by utilizing the seemingly mightier and rise out of decay. How marveloso, indeed.