Got to be a way

So I'm sitting in a hotel room in Altoona, PA right now, waiting for my sister to come back from her new job "orientation" and I'm trying to take a breather.  It's been awhile since I've posted, mostly because I've been working through some things mentally (my family's absolute dissolution with me and me with them), which has left me drained and non-inclined to putter in the kitchen. Anyway, last Wednesday, I left my job (a.k.a. Fear! Fear! Fear!) and immediately rushed off to my sister's medical residency graduation, to the hell that is "family time," and ever since then, my roiling stomach has been filled to the brink with Alka Seltzer Plus and my jaws nearly seized shut from all the stress I've been subconsciously placed on my TMJ joint. I'm a teeth clencher, who would have thought? Then, right after her graduation, my sister and I drove to Altoona, PA, which really is quite a cool American town, to look for her new apartment and let her do her new job thing, and here I sit. Peace at last?

Occasionally, I begin to think that there must be some better way to do this...to handle unnecessary stress...but then I come back to reality and I realize that there's absolutely no cure. As much as I wished that there was some way to be selfish without feeling selfish, have my cake and eat it too...I really do think I'm being too ambitious. This type of stress is extremely difficult to resolve because it has to do with butting heads over some fundamental, life values.

If this trip and time with family has does anything, it has confirmed that at base, I really don't have much in common with my family anymore. I wonder when it was that my values veered so drastically from theirs. While in the car yesterday, we got into a brief discussion regarding parenting and family relationships and I came away with something quite harsh. "How unevolved is this shit," I thought, "how unaware of anything." It all seems so stuck in the past. It's like they're all holding onto "immigrant family values," where guilt-driven manipulation and social-climbing is key. I suppose that at one time, I did believe in these values as well, even advocated them. My earlier self did believe that I owed my life to my parents and that there was no such thing as happiness for myself. My happiness would only be achieved upon career success and income success and reputation and wealth. These things that would fulfill my parents' dreams and in turn, give me happiness...something like that. I very much believed in all this and didn't spend much time thinking for myself - life with my parents was easy when I just did whatever they "recommended."

This is certainly is one way to live, and I'm not saying it's wrong. It works for many people. What my family seems to be struggling to understand is that it is not right for me, nor is it effective parenting for my brothers. Something happened to me in college. I met people who didn't have these social climbing values and when I didn't find their values to be "lesser" than mine or anything, maybe even better than mine, in fact, I began to think for myself. From these people, who all came from different walks of life and seemed to be living just fine, I formulated my own opinions on how to live and how to solve problems, how to raise kids, who to be with, how to treat people and be treated. Maybe I became selfish, because I truly became concerned about whether or not I'll be able to live with myself in my older age or near the end of my life. Will I have deep regrets because I never tried for the things I actually wanted? Most importantly, in Pinky, I found this invaluable sort of happiness and self-esteem and this weird brand of love that isn't conditional on "what is owed"...and I realized that all that prior stuff was bullshit. Times have changed. I am not an immigrant.

"Immigrant family" and "Asian" values have their place but not really, not anymore in my world. Such types of values, I believe, pull people down, create the sense of "well, we were poor once so that needs to be part of our identity." Maybe? I don't see that as part of my past. Perhaps it is my parents' past and helped to define them, but it certainly hasn't defined me. I grew up super lucky, because even though I know we used food stamps as children, I never once in my childhood thought we were poor, never once felt like I was wanting. Asian tiger parents? Okay, yes, that was there, but my parents weren't crazy about it. Yes, there was guilt-tripping and destruction of self-esteem and lots of pushing, but I was fortunate to be an oblivious child with communication issues, so it seemed manageable when it was just me. I saw the flare out from my brothers though. Yesterday, my sister reprimanded me, saying that "I don't know what it's like because I've never had children" and while yes, that is true, I do know what it's like to treat people with decency and respect. Having a child does not give someone the freedom to degrade and guilt and punish - there are are a reason these words have negative connotations. My sister says that adding guilt and degradation is what will push people to achieve more...and I just don't agree. While I do think it is important to have structure, to push your kids, to humble them occasionally and have high expectations for them...there's just got to be a better way than guilt and manipulation.

Anyway, I should stop rambling. I keep reminding myself of those calming mantras you find in fortune cookies or on motivational posters you see around peoples' offices, you know, Hemingway's "worry never fixed anything" kind of stuff...but I'm failing pretty miserably. It's like that time in third grade when I wrote that story, "Worrier Woman" instead of "Warrior Woman" and not matter how many times Mrs. Bernard corrected me, goddamn it, I was going to spell warrior as worrier. It's funny how I've actually become the Worrier Woman and my life is just a string of her adventures.

And who knows? Maybe I'm all wrong, maybe I'm full of bullshit. Maybe I'm being too stubborn and hot-headed. Maybe I should just do what is recommended.

My sister's home had absolutely no breakfast items, so here are some scones with some weird flavorings. The cucumbers get soggy after a day so these are a bake and eat type of treat.

Tzatziki Scones

makes 6 scones

6 TB unsalted butter, cold

2 C all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 C plain Greek yogurt

3 TB honey

1.4 C heavy cream or whole milk

1/2 C grated white cheddar cheese

1/2 C grated mozzarella

1/3 English cucumber, sliced into thin half-moons

1 TB garlic salt

1/4 C chopped fresh dill, optional

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Slice the cucumber into thin rounds or half-moons and then marinate them in 1 TB garlic salt for 15 minutes. Squeeze out as much water as possible from the cucumbers and then pat dry.

Sift together the flour and baking soda. Then either grate the butter or cut into small pieces. Cut  the butter into the flour until the mixture resembles coarse meal, or the butter is incorporated throughout the flour. Then, using a wooden spoon (do not over-mix), mix in the honey, Greek yogurt, cream/milk, cheeses, dried cucumbers, and dill (optional). Mix until all flour is wet. In general, this was a sticky and wet mixture. Using a little bit of extra flour to prevent excessive sticking, pour the dough out onto a flat surface, kneading where necessary, and pat into an ~1-inch tall rectangle. Cut into 6 triangles and place the scones onto a non-stick or buttered baking tray.

Bake for ~20 minutes, or until the scones begin to brown and a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Serve warm with soft, salted butter.