One more day

Thank bejesus I have a few friends, siblings, and this blog to occupy a little bit of my mind while on this isolation chamber of a "vacation." Hey, folks, thanks for responding to any of my depressing texts. I'm back in Cleveland after spending 5 days in the ol' hometown with my mother and for the first time in 4 weeks, I feel a little bit of light on the horizon. I may not see it but oh gosh I feel it. Of course, it might be the one beer talking (thank god my little brother always has a few cold ones in the fridge) - ah some rain after a long dry spell - but I swear to all glory that be, it's there and I don't even care what's causing it. One more day and then I get to go back to Baltimore (home sweet home), away from all this brooding terribleness and stress, back to the very few things in life that bring me unconditional joy and happiness. I'm really not exaggerating. I absolutely cannot wait to leave this godforsaken prison which often challenges everything I am and go back to being myself with the people who don't mind me being myself and around whom I don't mind being myself.

One. More. Day.

Granted, me heading back to my soul-mate home of Baltimore doesn't mean that any of my problems go away. I'll still have my unbending family at my neck, with their inflexible culture and beliefs in the "way things should be so that we can all be happy" and their relentless desire to avoid all pain and heartbreak in life. I'll still have the age gap in my relationship to contend with and the upcoming long distance anxieties to manage. I'll still have my mind, in all its rabbit-holiness, worrying about all the things that will happen in the future if I choose this path or that or if I'm ready to face all the hardships that come along with a significantly older partner or if I even want to get married and have kids and...blah blah blah. That'll all still be there....which sucks.

Still. As hokey as it sounds, I might be literally crying with joy when I step off that plane and see that the familiar mustachioed face pulling up to the curb and be overcome with relief when I realize that all I want, at present, no matter how "unhealthy" or "unwise" it is, is to be with him. If that's not the definition of dependent love, then I don't know what is.

Also, Pinky made these cookies for us awhile back and they were so good I made him remember the recipe. Seriously, I don't like peanut butter cookies (think they're usually damn impossible to get right) but these changed my mind. They're perfectly chewy and crumbly at the same time. We made two batches, one with cashew butter cookies and one with Trader Joe's Creamy Salted Peanut Butter. Both versions were delicious. Damn, I miss my man.

Classic Peanut or "Nut" Butter Cookies

24 cookies

1/2 C softened salted butter (1 stick)

1 C Trader Joe's Creamy Salted Peanut Butter or cashew or nut butter (a "natural" butter)

3/4 C brown sugar

1/2 C granulated sugar

1 large egg

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 1/4 C all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt (only if using cashew butter)

granulated sugar (for rolling)

Sift together the baking powder, flour, and salt. Beat together the butter, peanut or cashew butter, brown sugar and granulated sugar until fluffy and creamy. Then beat in the egg, scraping down the sides until the mixture is light in color. Then fold in the sifted dry ingredients until a dough forms.

Refrigerate the dough overnight. It will be a bit crumbly, but that is okay.

The next day, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Remove the dough from the refrigerator and using an ice-cream scoop, form into spheres. Roll in granulated sugar, then place on the baking sheet and flatten a bit with a fork, forming that classic peanut-butter cookie crosshatch pattern. Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until slightly cracking. Cool.