L'appel du vide

Hey guys. I know, it's been a month. I left Baltimore in early July, and I barely had time to gather any of my happiness or thoughts from my stay into a graspable thing before I felt it all wrenched away by the presence of familial stress and old burning resentment. Man, what I wouldn't have given to be able to stop time. So I left Baltimore, full of regret but still slightly hopeful that perhaps, yes, the change would be good for me....but hope is such a tricky thing.

In the ensuing weeks after my departure, I perhaps became the angriest, most depressive person I've ever been in my short life. In sort, I would find myself sitting in the darkness, staring at the wall, just absolutely hating everything, overcome with the greatest feeling of l'appel du vide. Every time I tried to write a post, I would spiral into anger and angst and ineffable sadness. Even now sometimes, I find myself stuck in moments of stress-filled rage that I cannot control, usually triggered by a simple phone conversation with my parents. While I wish I could say that all those negative emotions come from just my discomfort with leaving Baltimore and anxiety about my future career, it just wouldn't be true. Nearly all of my anger comes from my relationship with my parents. It's so childish, I know.

I was with my family for about a month, mostly just with my parents, and I think I may have shortened my life by 10 years. It's such a complicated relationship, and while I'm not 100% sure of how it happened, somehow, I've lost all ability to trust my parents, much less be understanding about where they're coming from. Call it regression or emotional immaturity...but I feel I've been hateful lately and I'm so done trying to control it. My siblings tell me to be understanding, my closest friends tell me to just forget about my parents, and I myself just can't decide what to do. I'm paralyzed and frustrated by the facts, and it goes so much deeper than just "who have I chosen to love and date." Part of me doesn't see the point in trying to interact with my parents anymore, as an adult, when there's so much unspoken, can't be spoken, anger in my mind.  I will never change what they think, never come to a point of agreement with them on matters, and never be the daughter they want me to be, not even close. The other part of me whispers that it's wrong to be rude to your parents, even if you need the space, but that part also makes me angrier. I'm upset that my happiness is even so dependent on their opinions, which shouldn't hold water. For you see, I did not realize how much I subconsciously sought the approval of my parents until this boyfriend incident. Now I'm angry that I even care and I'm struggling with forcing myself to not care, to be that selfish person that wants to live their own life and make their own decisions and be a real adult. Such a combination of anger, sadness, idealism...it's infuriating. And while you think my parents losing validity to me should have set me free, instead, I feel even more trapped than ever, ever more alone and worried. A friend told me I'll stop caring when I stop caring. When is that supposed to be?

You see why I've been staying away from posting as of late. Fortunately, I arrived in Philly this past weekend, of course, with my parents, who wanted to be the ones to move me and I gave in, because it seemed easier at the time to cope with their desires than fight them (still wondering if that was a mistake...yes, it was). It wasn't much of a relief when they left (absence doesn't change the existence of problems), and it was lonely being alone with my angry thoughts in my maintenance-disaster of an apartment. I later found myself at 7:30 PM one night, carefully slicing a whole bag of baby carrots into wafer thin strips with a cleaver, all the while fondling stalks of celery and pinching some frozen pork shoulder strips, praying that the meat would defrost quickly. I just wanted to slice everything up into small pieces. When I saw the mass of carrots and celery before me, all laid to waste by the knife, it seemed only natural I should do a sort of "stir-fry" (I did this "stir-fry" in a pot) with the frozen bag of sticky rice cakes (or Nian Gao) in my freezer.  So here's that. It's actually quite tasty and simple!

Conclusion of it all is that I'm back to posting, and I'm spending all of today in the kitchen, try to recenter myself and find out where I've actually gone. I can't promise that things will be chipper anytime soon (were they ever? I hope so!) with school starting and all and my overbearing parents calling me everyday, but hopefully, as it always has, food will help me find myself again.

Stir-Fried Sticky Rice Cakes

serves 3-4

2 lbs of frozen, flat and round, sticky rice cakes*

1 pork shoulder strip (~1 lb), sliced into smaller pieces

3 large carrots or 1/2 bag baby carrots

3 stalks of celery

3 cloves of garlic, finely minced

2 TB canola oil

1 TB ginger oil

2 TB dark soy sauce

2 TB hoison

2 TB sea salt

*Note: I've read on the internet that sticky rice cakes should be soaked for a few hours, even overnight, before ready to cook. I must have bought an "Easy Cook" version or something because I only needed to soak my frozen rice cakes for 5 minutes before I tossed them into some boiling water. Just pay attention to the soaking instructions on the packaging, whichever brand you buy.

After the pork has been sliced into smaller and thinner pieces, mix with 1 TB of the sea salt and let sit while you prepare your other ingredients. Slice the celery stalks diagonally into smaller, bite-size pieces. Slice the carrots into small, thin strips, using a mandolin if you have trouble doing this by hand. Mince the garlic.

Soak the frozen sticky rice cakes in cold water for 5 minutes, then drain. Bring a large pot of water to a boil and drop the soaked rice cakes into the water, stirring to prevent sticking. Cook rice cakes for 5-10 minutes or until they feel a bit soft when you poke them. Immediately drain rice cakes and rinse with cold water multiple times, to prevent further cooking. Do not overcook them - you don't want mushy sticky rice cakes, you want them to be chewy al dente. Set the parboiled rice cakes aside for later.

In a large pot on high heat, heat the canola oil, ginger oil,and soy sauce. Once the oil is slick and hot, add the garlic and pork and let cook on high heat, letting the pork cook on one side and brown a bit. Once the pork looks like it is halfway done, add the celery and carrots, stirring together everything in the pot so that all the flavors can meld. Then, once the vegetables have softened a bit, add in the rice cakes and stir so that rice cakes are evenly distributed and not sticking together in clumps. 

Cook until pork is no longer pink. The rices cakes will also have been to soften and brown a bit. Once both these things happen, add the 2nd TB of sea salt and the 2 TB of hoison. Stir until rice cakes are coated in the sauce, then remove the pot from heat and transfer to a plate. Serve while hot.