Finding myself, lost

I don't seem to know who I am anymore, or rather, I can't seem to find myself in the mess of all these recent things. I've been in the kitchen this past week, the one I hate with the electric stove and lack of counter space and absolutely zero spice selection, making batches of risotto, broiling steaks in the oven, stir-frying vegetables, frying dough, fiddling with curry mashes, and braising pork ribs, all the while trying desperately to figure out what I used to love to do and why it all seems to elude me these days. I've become ridiculously desperate in my search for some sort of self-satisfaction, with who I am and what I'm doing with my life, that I'm fairly certain my...confusion of sorts is rubbing off into everything else I do. Into my conversations with other people, into my growing ennui, into my lack of motivation to just...keep...doing anything worth doing anymore. I'm so lost that my mind can't even settle on what to eat anymore, much less what to work on in the kitchen. I mean, just look at this confusing mess of meals.

The Only Way a Steak Should be Cooked if without a Grill (Broiled)

 Smoky Mushroom, Parmesan, and Spinach Risotto

Bok Choy and Sprouts with XO

Homestyle Braised Pork Ribs, with Hardboiled Eggs

Curry Fried Dough

Curry Fried Dough with Pork, Cabbage, and Potato Mash

I don't even know if it's worth posting recipes here anymore. I don't even know if anyone bothers reading this, if my writing is any good, or if writing even helps me anymore? Of course it does, right? Perhaps I've been watching too much Muriel on Courage the Cowardly dog, but I just don't know what's wrong, I have a deep inkling of worry that something is terribly wrong...when cooking no longer brings me comfort, then something is probably off..but I also don't have the energy or fortitude to figure it out. Is this the whole "things get worse before they get better" phase?

Well, to close it up and apologize for all the complaining I just made you read, hello, dear friends. I've finished the third week of school and it already feels like I've been in it for years. I'm not sure I'll post any of the recipes for the photos viewed above, but they're here now and immortalized on screen. We can always come back to them another day, if you'd like.  You'd think that since I've been "learning" the past few weeks that I'd have something interesting to teach you, or maybe just have something positive to say about "learning." I don't. I don't have much to say on this dreary, rainy Saturday, other than I'm still here in Philadelphia, the city I hate, my room still smells like weed (from some unknown neighbor), the neighbor below me still loves to blast his bass speaker (oh joy), I'm still not quite all together mentally, and...I'm still wondering what the hell happened to my peace of mind.