What is this?

I don't quite know what this is - is this depression? What sort of discontent is this, so incapacitating that only obligation-based guilt gets me out of bed and the minute the obligation is done, I'm back into the crumbled sheets? It's becoming so I can only view the world through this lens of mild contempt and distaste and annoyance, so much so that I find myself incapable of trusting people on the most basic of levels, or even desiring to interact. Why even bother trying to connect? Really, what is this? Every morning, I put on a face that smiles and talks and tries its hardest to be non-awkward, and the minute I step foot into my dark apartment, I take it off like a piece of flimsy clothing that's beauty is in its lack of quality, thus making it easy to abuse relentlessly without guilt. Is this stress? Procrastination to the extreme? What is this?

Another day has passed and I'm surprised but not surprised that it's dark outside already, surprised but not surprised that the hour soon approaches 11 PM and that in total today, all I've done is sleep for 15 of 24 hours, with waking moments filled with potato chip and fatty meat engorgement. At around 9 PM I ingested my daily beer in hopes of lifting my spirits (as it usually does), but nothing happened and I still felt down. So here I sit, wrapped in blankets staring between the computer screen and a white wall, my floor shaking with bass because my neighbor below me is having yet again another yelly party, wishing that I could do something that would make me feel...all right about myself and what I'm doing with my life. What is this?

It's really not that bad, just slow and lackluster, life seems. Still, it's been a few months and I'm losing faith in the "it will pass" theory. People keep telling me things - that it'll get better, that there's an accommodation period, that I should exercise because it might help me feel again or do more work to occupy my time, go out and meet people - all good recommendations, I don't disagree. I just find myself incapable of focusing on work of any sort or doing anything really, much less tackling the issue of money and how I could possibly spend money on a gym or yoga or rock climbing wall when I already have sneakers and free sidewalk at my disposal on which to run...or of going out with my happy face on and trying to convince people to like me when I already don't particularly like myself or what I've become while trying to filter myself when alcohol's effect takes a hold of me. It all seems tedious. There's also the crushing weight of upcoming exams, for which I've done very little. 

It'll get better? It had better, the readers mumble to themselves, in hopes that these blog posts will one day take a happier, more uplifting turn. That's what we all want to read, right? Happiness?

Macaroni Salad with Kale, Bacon, Peas and Corn

4 servings

1/2 lb dry macaroni, cooked per box instructions and drained

5 strips thick-cut bacon, cooked and cut into pieces*

1/4 C mayonnaise

2 C kale, chopped and steamed/boiled

1/2 C corn kernels

1/2 C peas

3/4 C shredded Parmesan

freshly ground black pepper

salt, to taste

*Note: Bake bacon strips in a 375 degree oven until brown and crispy, save a lot of mess!

Assemble ingredients, mixing in the mayonnaise and Parmesan last, then season with salt and ground pepper to taste. Serve warm or cold.