I'm here but barely

Hello world. It's been quite awhile since I've been here, which I feel has been quite a common opener on these little posts over these past few years. I perhaps have the grind of school to blame, but as there are quite a few people in school in this world that do not have this problem, one of intense procrastination, then "school" is truly a sorry excuse. If I were to present the truth, the whole truth, which I find more and more difficult to do the older I get (to anyone, really), especially now that I'm riding on 30, the reason I don't write anymore is because of depression.

So simple and cliche, right? Depression, the heavy blanket that pushes everything to the ground so that you don't particularly have the energy to rise up, but just do, do, do. Crawl along the ground and just feel shitty about who you are, try not to drag down the only people you truly love. Keep doing, keep going forth, keep existing because nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things and nothing you do or make is really your own, it all ends up going to someone else to feed someone else's existence or values, with the exception of death, and even that...well, is debatable. Depression, everybody has it, everybody seems to want it a little bit just enough to talk about it, and it's either some weak thing that needs medication and life change or some strong thing you can use to convince yourself to just lie in bed and do nothing for a bit. Don't worry about being a good person because in the end, there's no such thing as good or bad people because we're all just people here in this existence, and some of us get by along better than others. Some of us are better at coping or better at not playing victim, some of us are better getting fat. Just get up in the morning and go to work and do all those responsibilities and then maybe, your chance to die will come up tomorrow.

I am here though, just doing things. There are moments that I feel okay, but then the burden of things, like my parents beating me down, my parents telling me to leave the only thing that has brought me true joy in the past 8 years, my parents wishing that somehow their disappoint with me would magically disappear, if only I WOULD JUST CHANGE who I was...things like that they wear me down. So I am here but barely, eking out a pointless existence in this plane near the ground, underneath this blanket barely breathing and keeping my eyes out for that moment when I think it's all finally enough.